It's Personal
by Aelimir
Summary: Slash. Spock believes that his life will not change when his new Captain, James T. Kirk, takes over the ship from Captain Christopher Pike. He is proven wrong. Some small deviations in fact from the Original Series, but it is more appropriate here than in Star Trek: 2009.


When Captain Pike was promoted to Admiral and Number One decided to retire, Spock didn't know what he expected the new Captain to be like. Truth be told, he did not speculate beyond the idea that, whatever differences he might exhibit, they were unlikely to affect him. Spock was merely a Science officer; the chief one, yes, but he did little more than inform him of scientific facts, study in the lab, and meditate in his cabin. Beyond giving sporadic advice and accompanying him on missions, he hadn't interacted much with Captain Pike. It was a highly professional, if distant, relationship, one that Spock had been satisfied with.

It only took seconds for Captain Kirk to shatter his suppositions.

The new captain materialized in the transporter room, a large grin on his face. He greeted Spock first, giving him a novice but earnest attempt at the ta'al. "Hello, Lieutenant Spock. I know you don't shake hands," he said with a sunny smile.

For the first time since Spock had last seen his mother, he suppressed a smile, both amused and pleased with his gesture. It was unusual for someone to show him this consideration without being asked. Even Captain Pike hadn't known before he had to gently correct him. Obviously, Kirk had taken the time to read up on his Science officer in order to relate with him better. "Greetings, Captain Kirk. I look forward to working with you," he said politely, in turn doing his best to adhere to human convention.

Kirk speedily greeted the rest of the department heads, having evidently been acquainted with most of them previously. In particular, he was friendly with Gary Mitchell, who was to serve as his First Officer. He noted their easy, happy familiarity, which caused an unfamiliar sensation in his chest. He did not know what it meant, but such unknowns meant that it was likely things would be more different than he'd originally calculated.

The following weeks proved his theory correct. Though Kirk did maintain discipline within acceptable parameters, he nurtured an easy, friendly persona on the Bridge, with lighthearted remarks that added to his character. Captain Pike had been strictly professional and down to business; Kirk liked verbal repartee. While unconventional, it was also quite stimulating, and Spock surprised himself by joining in from time to time. In each instance, Kirk responded with an astonished, delighted laugh, which inspired yet another strange sensation in Spock's chest that he had difficulty analyzing. However, it was not unpleasant, and he found himself increasing his efforts to delight Kirk.

Off the Bridge, Kirk paid him little attention. Spock found himself remembering the few times they did interact with unusual frequency, despite having no logical purpose. One time Spock had been ordering from the replicator, and Kirk had come up behind him. "There aren't many vegetarian options, are there? I'll have Scotty program some more," he'd said. Pike, nor anyone else other than the ship's doctor, had ever taken notice of Spock's preference, much less offered this. Another time, during a trying mission, Kirk had noticed Spock's strain and ordered everyone to be silent so he could meditate, again without being asked. This finally prompted Spock to ask Kirk how he knew so much about Vulcans. Kirk had informed him that he studied up on every alien member of his crew so he could better lead and accommodate them. Somehow, this disappointed Spock. After examination, he realized he had an illogical desire that Kirk had only taken this special interest in him.

This desire for Kirk's interest did not abate. It only increased in the ensuing weeks. As his attention honed in further on Kirk, he noticed more about him. For instance, when Kirk thought Spock wasn't looking, he sometimes stared at him with a sad sort of smile. Spock didn't like it. It looked defeated, an expression that was never otherwise on his face, and he did not want it associated with himself. He surmised that if he delighted Kirk the way he did on the Bridge, that demeanor would be sure to disappear. However, he was very unsure of how to approach Kirk on a personal level. Spock very rarely approached _anyone_ on a personal level, much less someone he held in esteem. He did not know if the approach would even be welcome. Kirk often sat with various members of the crew, with the notable exception of himself, as if he were avoiding him. Surely if he wanted to talk to Spock personally, he would have already, being a confident, outgoing man.

Still, Spock was unused to making a conclusion that was in part based on speculation, so he decided he needed definitive evidence before giving it up as a lost cause. He waited until Kirk was approaching the replicator before he quickly strode behind him in line.

"May I sit with you?" asked Spock.

"Uh, yes of course, Mr. Spock," Kirk said, with a tone that suggested surprise. It was not the delight he expressed on the Bridge; it was more of a strange tension that was full of mixed emotions Spock couldn't identify. Certainly, Pike never had them.

They sat down together at a table. "Something come up in the labs?" Kirk prompted, when Spock did not immediately volunteer conversation.

"No. I have no work related concerns," Spock said bluntly. He was aware that this discourse was a far cry from the friendliness between him and Gary, and the look on Kirk's face reflected that. Perhaps this had been a poor decision.

However, the look on Kirk's face slowly changed to a thoughtful, pleased one. "Well then, it's good to have a chance to chat with you. I know you prefer your solitude."

"Negative," Spock said before he could stop himself. He backpedaled. "I do enjoy solitude; however, I find our conversations on the Bridge stimulating and would not object to an extension of that activity."

This seemed to inspire some of Kirk's more usual, sunny demeanor. "Well, then, since you have no "objections," how about we make a habit of this?"

"That is agreeable," Spock admitted.

Spock had only a few more of those personal conversations with Kirk before the deaths of Mitchell and Dehner temporarily halted them. Kirk withdrew into himself. The Bridge became quiet and conventional again. Spock found the silence strangely distracting. So much so, that, a few days later, he found himself carrying a box of 3d chess pieces to Kirk's quarters. He'd done some research of his own, and discovered that Kirk's skills rivaled his own. Perhaps he would prefer to play rather than converse.

This indeed seemed to be the case. Kirk even voiced this, saying he appreciated Spock's quiet companionship. "The others, they all want me to talk about it. They don't understand. But you do, don't you?"

"Yes," said Spock with conviction. He knew the struggle between logic and emotional all too well, and the prices one paid for it.

After another long silence, Kirk spoke again. "The post of First Officer is vacant. Would you like it?"

"I would be honored," Spock replied simply.

That was that. With this promotion, he received not only the new rank of Commander, but also significant additional time in the Captain's company. Their chess games became regular. Spock even began calling the Captain by his first name.

As Spock exited Jim's quarters one night, he realized that he didn't want to leave. When, he wondered, had things progressed this far? When had it become so personal between them? Jim still did not always show him the exuberance he displayed with others, and that sad, defeated look sometimes adorned his face when he thought Spock wouldn't know, but despite this, he showed a marked preference for Spock's company. Spock, for his part, obliged him far more than was logical.

The next night, he chose to dine by himself in his quarters rather than sit in the mess hall with Jim. Afterwards, he meditated. Slowly, beyond his awareness, he'd gotten more emotionally entangled with Jim than he ever had with anyone who wasn't his mother. Yet, his feelings for Jim were markedly different than his ones for her. He craved his attention, yes, his laughter, his smiles, and the physical touches that Jim bestowed upon him with increasing frequency. Though inexperienced in these matters, there was an undercurrent that suggested his own feelings ran deeper than the friendship he'd witnessed between Jim and the other crew. But perhaps this was because Vulcan emotions were much more powerful than human ones.

His door buzzed. Spock took a moment to slowly open his eyes, though he didn't move from his kneeling position on the floor. "Come," he said.

As he expected, it was Jim. "I didn't see you at dinner. Are you all right?" he asked, intense concern on his face. The Captain had proved to be highly intuitive of these matters; he'd correctly sensed that this was more than a wish for solitude.

Spock rose from his knees, blowing out his candles. "I am functional," he responded matter-of-factly. He could not bring himself to volunteer the issues he'd been turning over in his mind, his confusion about what he should do.

"Spock, I know you. You're all about patterns. Something significant must have caused you to deviate from them," Jim insisted.

It seemed easier to start with facts. "I needed to meditate. My routine amount is no longer enough."

"Are you ill?" Jim worried.

"No. Meditation is used for rest, and, in this case, for the control of emotions. Though Vulcans suppress emotions, it does not mean they do not have them," Spock informed him.

"You're upset about something. What can I do?" Jim stepped closer, placing his hands on Spock's shoulders. Somehow, despite the implied intimacy, he did not find it an intrusion.

"'Upset' implies negative emotion. That is not the problem. You need not concern yourself," Spock said, attempting to draw the conversation to a close.

"Then you're feeling positive emotion. Strong positive emotion," Jim pressed, staring into his eyes. Spock stared back, his vocal chords malfunctioning strangely in reaction to the attention. As the moment stretched on, he noticed Jim's pupils dilate slightly. That phenomenon was associated with either a change in the ambient lighting, or arousal. Since the lighting in the room had not changed recently, it meant that the Captain was aroused by his attention. He felt something primal rise in himself in response, leaning closer into the hands that still rested on his shoulders.

Jim seemed to be struggling with his next words. "Is it for me?" he finally wondered, his face vulnerable, that defeated look hovering around the edges.

"Yes," Spock finally admitted, not breaking his gaze. It was illogical to deny the truth.

"I see," Jim said, stepping back and dropping his hands. Spock closed his expression, sensing rejection. "I know this must be difficult for you."

"It is unprecedented for me to become so entangled with another," Spock said.

"No, I mean. Well, you're engaged. It's hard to stay true when you're apart for so long," Jim said sympathetically.

Spock's brows pulled together. "I have no such commitment with anyone," he stated.

"I thought… well, I read… that Vulcans are engaged from the age of seven," Jim said, confused.

"That is correct. However, T'Pring, my intended, successfully convinced the elders to dissolve her bond with me. I have yet to find a suitable replacement."

"You're not… you're single?" Jim inquired in incredulous surprise.

"Affirmative," Spock said, swallowing. He noticed a swift, positive shift in Jim's mood, recognized the look of determination on his face. He believed he now knew what Terrans meant by feeling like a "deer in the headlights."

"Well, then, Mr. Spock, what is the problem? Do you think that I don't feel the same way? Because I do." Jim stepped closer to him again, boldly running his hands up and down his arms. Sensing Jim's desire, he took his hands in his for the first time. Jim stared into his eyes again, obviously knowing the significance of this gesture.

"It is not the Vulcan way," Spock quietly responded. "We form relationships for logical purposes, not emotional ones."

"I'd say there's some logic to our relationship, isn't there?" Jim persuaded.

"There was indeed some logic to our previous interactions. But you are not speaking of our current relationship. You want more," Spock stated. Not only was it obvious by now, he also could feel some of Jim's feelings through their touch: his esteem, respect, affection, determination, and, above all, intense desire.

Jim smiled gently. "Yes, I do," he admitted. "I have from the start. You probably don't remember. I saw you at the Academy once, years ago. I asked Gary, 'Who is that dashing young man over there?' And he said, 'That's not a man, that's a Vulcan.' Something about you just caught my eye. I learned everything I could about Vulcans from then on. I hoped that someday, we'd meet again, and maybe, maybe, I'd have a chance to know you. Well, that is, until I learned about the engagement thing," Jim added ruefully. "I gave up. But then, I learned that you were on my new ship. Those old feelings came back. I did my best to make you feel like a valued member of this crew, yet I also tried to stay away from you. I knew if I spent time with you, my feelings would only grow stronger, and since I thought you were engaged, I thought it best to avoid the heartache. But then, you approached _me_, and I just couldn't say no. And now, here we are." Jim squeezed his hands lightly.

"Your interest in studying Vulcans _was _personal," Spock concluded, satisfaction coiling in his chest. Jim simply hadn't wanted him to know when he'd first asked. "Yet, I do not understand," Spock continued. "I have only observed you with bold, outgoing, females, with a special preference for blondes." And he _had_ been watching, he realized, even though he never took such notes about Captain Pike. "I am none of these."

"Spock," said Jim fondly. "Yes, I found them very beautiful. But my relationships with them would never last, even if given the chance. They are fun for a night or two, but there's no true connection. No real understanding. You, you understand me like no one else ever has. Being with you is easy, and right. Our relationship only gets stronger the more time we spend together. And of course, I do believe there are other benefits," Jim said with a suggestive edge to his voice. "But that's me. What about you, Spock? What do you want? I have never seen you show the slightest interest in anyone, beyond professional."

"I am inexperienced in these matters," Spock confessed reluctantly. "I do not even know where to begin."

"Then just try. Will you try, Spock? Will you give me a chance to show you how wonderful it can be? Surely a scientist like you would not form a conclusion without examining the evidence for himself," Jim said with a small smile.

"I am defeated by your flawless logic," Spock said with irony in his voice. Jim laughed in delight. Spock's eyes softened. "What comes next?"

Jim's eyes shone with desire. "There's one thing I've wanted to do for a long time." With that, he let go of one of Spock's hands and gently placed his hand in the back of Spock's neck. Then he leaned in, pressing his lips to his. Spock froze. Jim gently moved his lips, coaxing him to relax. Spock decided to try copying Jim's movements, complete with bringing his own hand to rest on the back of Jim's neck. Jim moaned lightly in pleasure, which Spock decided he liked very much. Too soon, Jim broke the contact. "Okay?" Jim inquired softly.

"Yes," Spock said. "Yet, I sense you desire still more."

"There's time enough for that later," Jim said reassuringly.

"I wish to please you," Spock insisted. He was still a little unsure about making an emotional decision, but he was willing to try and see for himself, as Jim had suggested.

"Not because I'm Captain?" said Jim suddenly, as if this thought had just occurred to him.

"No. I assure you, I harbored no such inclinations toward Captain Pike."

"It's personal."

"Yes." They held each other's gaze for a long moment.

"Spock, like you said, this isn't the Vulcan way. I don't want to push you into something you're not comfortable with. I'm willing to wait," Jim assured him.

"Jim," said Spock, gently trailing his fingers down Jim's cheek. He could not seem to find the words for what he wanted to say.

Jim seemed to get it, however. He gave Spock an understanding smile. "I know, Spock. It's all right. I'm just happy these new possibilities have opened for us."

"There are always possibilities," Spock said with a glint in his eye.

Jim chuckled slightly. "I do believe you just flirted with me, Mr. Spock." Spock quirked a brow, but did not deny it, causing Jim's grin to widen. "Well. Why don't I let you get back to your meditation. We'll make a fresh start in the morning and see what comes then. All right?"

"I look forward to it."

* * *

If you are interested in more mature content than what can be posted on this site, check out my stories on Ao3 (right now in particular, "Command.")


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